29 September 2010

cyclist's pre-nuptial agreement

A Pre-Nuptial Agreement for the Bicycle Rider

by Anonymous

This agreement acknowledges that the forthcoming marriage is a legal arrangement that accepts the perpetual continuity of a pre-existing relationship between two parties and that a three-way coexistence shall be created consisting of the following participating parties: Spouse A (the loving, non-bicycle rider), hereafter referred to as SA; Spouse B (the loving, bicycle rider), hereafter referred to as SB; and The Bike (the all-beautiful, glorious one), hereafter referred to as TB.


Condition I
Acknowledgment: SA shall henceforth recognize that SB and TB have forged a long-standing relationship and unbreakable bond. Efforts or attempts to alienate, separate, or to divide permanently or temporarily, regardless of circumstances, shall never occur.

Condition II
Cohabitation: SA and SB shall agree upon comfortable and equal living quarters for TB, its related service equipment and riding gear. TB shall only be exposed to the elements of Nature during outdoor rides. All other times, TB shall have access to warm, dry, low traffic living space with complete protection from any and all physical harm. If at any time there is a conflict with SA, SB, furniture or other objects, TB shall have absolute precedence of its desired stationary location. In the event SA is absent overnight or longer, TB shall be permitted bedroom space (if not already arranged).

Condition III
Exclusivity and Infidelity: At no time shall TB be ridden by anyone other than the parties of this agreement, without the sole permission of SB. SA must request permission from SB to ride or attempt physical contact with TB and shall only do so in the presence of SB.

Condition IV
Equal time: SA shall be guaranteed equal, quality time with SB, equivalent to time spent with TB unless it conflicts with TB; in which case TB has absolute preference. Evening hours of darkness, rain or any weather conditions which may be considered undesirable by non-bikers, does not offer SA preferential status if SA and TB view these moments to train for these possible weather conditions. Maintenance-service time shall be as determined by SB and shall not be interfered with by SA or others, without approval of SB. In the event of an emergency (i.e., SA needs assistance; child sets hair on fire, etc.) SB shall complete any or all TB related activities as soon as possible and, then and only then shall SB be expected to address said emergency. In the event of distress, a visit by In-laws, need of stress relief or other moments of depression, SB shall be permitted as much time with TB (or TB related activities), magazines, books, events, etc. as necessary for SB to return his/her emotional status to an uplifting and happy mode.

Condition V
Parties SA and SB shall agree that SB will be permitted and encouraged to purchase any and all TB related equipment at any and all times, whether the aforementioned be repairs, replacements, upgrades or just cosmetic. Any replacement parts shall be considered cherished spares and provided adequate, preferential storage space equivalent to conditions set to TB; preferably under the bed, favorite closet or placed on the coffee table for a conversation item. Coffee table books, such as but not limited to, the biographies of Greg LeMond, Eddy Merckx, Fausto Coppi, or any history of the Tour de France, shall retain prominent placement on said table; free from possible damage related to the displayed replacement part.

Newly installed items on TB shall immediately require TB to be prominently placed on display as the focal point of the household (i.e., in front of the television). Newly purchased items, which have not been installed, shall be openly displayed as a centerpiece, to be seen and envied by all visitors. Said item shall be allowed to be placed under SB's pillow during the sleeping hours unless it is potentially harmful to said item.

This provision shall be enforced until the installation is complete. Mental, physical or marital interventions shall not be exercised to install the item until SB is ready to perform this action. Only SB shall be the deciding party in this determination and there shall be no compromise.

Condition VI
Finances: All household finances shall be considered separate from TB finances. If Conflicts should arise, TB gets preference.

Condition VII
Disposition: In the event SA has a compatible bicycle, SB can offer spare parts to be temporarily installed for use by SA, until such time when SB requires their use on TB. Advance notice of this return is not required. All equipment of and for the use of TB by SB shall remain the sole property of SB come Hell or high water and shall not be relinquished under any circumstances, Courts of Law, moments of contesting spousal madness and death of SB. In the event of the death of SB, SA will be obligated to complete the upgrades (expressed, implied or dreamed of) and bury the bicycle with the departed. Should SB have previously requested a separate grave for TB, SB and TB will be buried side-by-side in separate caskets, in a common, doublewide grave. A common headstone shall be placed centrally at the head of the grave and the complete identification of TB's frame, components, wheels and tires shall be engraved on the head stone. Tires shall be inflated to full-recommended psi ratings prior to placing in the casket. In the event of the later death of SA, burial of SA shall be adjacent to SB, not TB.

Condition VIII
Protected Communications: All TB related communications intended for SB, be they voice (telephone messages, visitors, etc.); print (mail-order catalogues, product mailings, etc.) or electronic (email, voice-mail, buddies calling to ride, etc.), shall be promptly expedited to SB. Furthermore, no censorship of said communications shall ever occur and SA agrees to refrain from making disparaging comments about the content of these communications and/or their source(s). Improper language (i.e., cursing) is prohibited in the household and outdoors in the presence of TB; this is especially important if the curse words are of Italian origin. Italian is never to be spoken unless the speaker is fluent; however if the components are Shimano, then English is the preferred language of communication and Italian is forbidden to be spoken.

Extended Conditions: TB shall never be subjected to be the focus or object of a disagreement, or be introduced as part of said disagreement. Conversations relating to TB shall always be of praise and admiration; visitors, including in-laws, who are not in agreement with this condition, are banished from the household of SB, TB and SA forever until they come to their senses.

All of the above conditions, in whole or part, are forever to be considered iron clad, irrevocable and nonnegotiable.

Party SA_____________________________
Party SB_____________________________

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