It isn't just my self-esteem, it's my relationship with my wife, my ability to have fun doing other stuff, my attitude toward food, even my ability to watch others do something athletic or to read the online training diaries and blogs I used to frequent. Even uploading my (pitiful compared to what I used to do) workouts to athletic social networks and online training diaries is hard as I can see what I used to do and what others are doing. It's been shocking really how much I identify as an 'athlete' and how un-whole I feel when I can't live up to that self-imposed standard.
Today I read a blog post by a friend and fellow Seattle Running Club member.
The post itself was good and evoked some personal memories that relate to this subject but the post also contained a video by Anna Frost.
She was talking about me. And her mental evolution was light years ahead of mine.
During these last three months since my injury I have waffled between being mildly depressed, angry, sad and feeling like a teenage girl with an eating disorder. Not to mention drinking a bit more alcohol than I did when I was more active. I have come so far in running in a relatively short amount of time and it's such a new and exciting part of my life and there are still so many things (read: runs) that I want to experience.
Watching this video made me realize the following.
- I'm pretty selfish.
- Some cliches like, "you can't fully appreciate what you have until it's gone" are true.
- There is hope.
- There is a lot of other stuff to appreciate besides running and I have blinders on.
There are so many quotes from this video that struck a chord!
"Maybe home is just a collection of memories."
"You can lose sight of what you are or who you are."
"I'm missing the things that home has to offer."
"Running was who I was."
"Running is really, just running."
"If you get disappointed by running, then, it's not running that you are actually disappointed in, it's yourself."
"You have to love who you are, because that's what you've got. That's all you've got."
[Pause while Martin reaches for a tissue...]
Seriously, this shit hit home.
Granted Anna was not talking about my specific situation but a light went on for sure. Will I be able to deal with this as maturely as Anna? Hopefully... in time. IT IS NOT EASY WHEN YOU CAN'T DO THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO.
Of course I have objective moments when I try to put my 1st world problems into perspective but so far that has just been an intellectual exercise and my logical conclusions from these exercises have not been sticking.
This video was pretty inspirational. And for a change it was not the kind of inspiration that makes me want to try more or harder running events. Here's hoping I am not too old or stubborn to learn another valuable life lesson.