21 December 2010

Mary's gone crackers–and it tastes like more.

Ever stumble on a food that just hits the spot?

I do all the time. Then I usually overdo it with wild abandon, grossing myself out and end up swearing it off for a few weeks or months. I guess doing stuff to excess – eating anyway – is in my nature.

The other day I needed to bring a snack to a party and so hit the store on the way and look what I got:


Sticks & Twigs. In a word: yum


Funny how you can say pretty much anything and if's done so with affirmation and gusto or contains the words 'natural' or 'organic' or 'whole grain' or 'home cooked' people flock to it. Oh yeah, you can also list all the stuff your food does NOT contain. Because as we all know, deductive logic mandates that if it does not contain one bad ingredient (or better yet two!) it must be good for you... Marketing genius or a sad commentary on our education system? You make the call.

ASIDE – 'home cooked' is about as much of a guarantee of a quality meal as 'hand dipped' is a guarantee of great tasting ice cream. How many people do you know that make absolute shite at home? Likewise, who knows what is in that bucket in the freezer... C'mon people.

Here is all the stuff these sticks and twigs do not contain.

  • GMO Grain
  • Dairy
  • Wheat
  • Refined Flour
  • Gluten
  • Hydrogenated Oils
  • Trans Fats
  • Nuts

A skeptic might argue that since the label is so exhaustive but says nothing about lead, arsenic, paint, radioactive isotopes or leached aluminum you obviously should not assume anything.

So what is left when you can't use all the stuff that usually makes a baked item tasty? Well, for one there are those Chia seeds. And Millet. And Quinoa and Amaranth. Who even knows that this stuff is? Not me. But it's listed proudly on the bag so it must be delicious. And if you are a woman it gets the gray out and firms the bootie and if you are a man you will last all night long. Totally – you have my word. I mean why would any manufacturer lie?

In spite of all my cynicism this is a damn tasty snack! It took me all of two sittings to drain the bag and if it had been bigger the result would not have been any different.

Lord give me strength for I am weak.

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